pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
