i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
