No more Irish car bombs ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
