If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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