What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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