i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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