I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
