dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
should my penis look like a turkey
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
