i just wanna soil my oats bro
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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