I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
