I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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