Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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