This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
