I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
