Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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