he puts the penis in happiness.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
