He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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