I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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