My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
