My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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