Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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