Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
