I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
