I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
