Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
