my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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