How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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