You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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