You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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