I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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