I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
