It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
