i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
