Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
