Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
