I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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