And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
