Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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