the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
