Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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