They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
