I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I checked into jail on foursquare
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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