The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have post one night stand depression
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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