Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
