I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize