What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
