just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
