Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
