You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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