the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
