when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
