I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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