She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
