Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
