im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
