Betty ford says i'm here all night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
BRING THE BAGELS
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
