So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
