Please, let me fuck your mom
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
