this beer tastes like vomit already
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
