Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
