I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
