Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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